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Dear Lover: A Woman's Guide To Men, Sex, And Love's Deepest Bliss, by David Deida
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Every woman knows the fairy tale: find the right man, give him what he wants and needs, and he'll love you forever. But when the myth you've been asked to believe fails to deliver—when you sense you've been settling for far less than you know in your heart is possible—how do you attract and keep a man capable of meeting what you most passionately yearn for?
In Dear Lover, David Deida explores every aspect of the feminine practice of spiritual intimacy, from sexuality and lovemaking to family and career to emotions, trust, and commitment. Written as a collection of letters from a man to his dear lover, here is this internationally acclaimed writer's invitation to practice love as a living art, as you discover:
- Why your man is always your choice—and how to pick the man of deep integrity who will satisfy the needs of your body, heart, and spirit
- “Sexual essence” and the three stages of loving:� how to understand your fluctuating capacity to experience divine connection with another
- Knowing when to end a relationship and how to deal with the “him-shaped void” your absent man leaves behind
- Daily exercises to help you and your partner move from separation to openness in two-bodies devotional trust
Ultimately, what every woman wants it to give and receive love fully.� Whether you’re partnered or alone, Dear Lover reveals that “your love is the same love that years to open at everybody’s heart.� You will attract and inspire a man as willing and able to open as you are.� Constant yearning is the call to open and give yourself to all as love’s offering.”
�
Contents
�
1.� You Are Love
2 . Chocolate Love
3. Yearning Is the Key to Love
4. The Gift of Making Love
5. Spiritual Sexiness
6.� Orgasmic Love
7.� Love and Fear
8.� Your Sexual Essence
9.� Your True Heart and Its Shells
10.� Offering or Betraying Your Heart
11.� The Two-Bodied Play of Love
12.� Loving Larger Than Fear
13.� Trusting Your Man to Open You
14.� You Attract Your Reciprocal
15.� Why Men Hold Back
16.� Your Force of Attraction
17.� Your Man is Your Choice
18.� Expressing Pleasure and Hurt
19.� Masculine Insensitivity
20.� How to Stay Open
21.� Opening Beyond an Impasse
22.� Ending Relationships and the Him-Shaped Void
23.� Three Stages of Loving
24. Love is a Living Art
25.�� Showing Your Heart’s Light in Public
26.� Choosing Abuse and Refusing Love
27.� Wanting to Be Opened
28.� A Summary of Trusting and Opening
29.� Goodbye
Excerpt
Dear Reader,
I offer the following chapters to you as if you were my lover.� Although you may be single or married, I offer these words to you as I would do my beloved.� We may never meet, but I want to give you the opportunity to feel your heart through mine.
For years, I have taught workshops around the world, opening with women and men while they share their deepest heart’s desires.� It seems we often come to know ourselves most deeply through the heart of someone who loves us, who is willing to open and see us as we truly are, who is willing to listen and feel our heart’s yearning.
To give and receive love fully—this is our heart’s true desire, yours and mine. The yearning you feel in your heart is the same yearning that everyone feels.� By feeling your heart’s yearning through nine, I hope you will come to know yourself more deeply through the many hearts that have opened together in trust and allowed these words to emerge.
All hearts want to open to God, or the boundless flow of divine love.� You may or may not be a religious person, and still your heart years to open without bounds, to be seen and to be offered without limits.� This is what I mean by “open to God”—to open and feel everything and everyone’s heart as a divine expression of love.
�
Praise for Dear Lover
“In the area of sacred intimacy, David Deida is holding a lightning bolt.� He sheds an astonishing light.”
—Marianne Williamson, Author of A Woman’s Worth
�
“As a woman, I’ve never felt so understood and validated.� Finally, a clear and brilliant guide to unraveling the mystery of relationships.”
—Marci Shimoff, Co-author of the New York Times bestseller Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul
�
“I feel that Deida has reached a new level of poetic genius in his writing, and his understanding of feminine psychology astounds me.”
—Miranda Shaw, PhD.� Author of Passionate Enlightenment:� Women in Tantric Buddhism
�
“We all taste God, taste Goddess, taste pure spirit in those moments of sexual rapture, and wise men and women have always used that rapture to reveal Spirit’s innermost secrets.� David Deida is such a wise one.”
—Ken Wilber, Author of Grace and Grit
- Sales Rank: #47470 in Books
- Brand: Deida, David
- Published on: 2004-12-01
- Released on: 2004-12-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.00" h x 6.00" w x .50" l, .75 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 184 pages
Review
�"In the area of sacred intimacy, David Deida is holding a lightning bolt. He sheds an astonishing light."
—MARIANNE WILLIAMSOR, author of A Woman's Worth
�
"As a woman, I've never felt so understood and validated. Finally, a clear and brilliant guide to unraveling the mystery of relationships."
—MARCI SHIMOFF, co-author of the New York Times bestseller Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul
�
"I feel that Deida has reached a new level of poetic genius in his writing, and his understanding of feminine psychology astounds me."
—MIRANDA SHAW, PH.D., author of Passionate Enlightenment: Women in Tantric Buddhism
�
"We all taste God, taste Goddess, taste pure spirit in those moments of sexual rapture, and wise men and women have always used that rapture to reveal Spirit's innermost secrets. David Deida is such a wise one."
—KEN WILBER, author of Grace and Grit
About the Author
David Deida
Acknowledged as one of the most insightful and provocative teachers of our time, bestselling author David Deida continues to revolutionize the way that men and women grow spiritually and sexually. His ten books are published in more than twenty-five languages worldwide and are required reading in university, church, and spiritual center courses. His workshops on a radically practical spirituality have been hailed as among the most original and authentic contributions to the field of self-development currently available. He is a founding member of Integral Institute, and has taught and conducted research at the University of California-San Diego School of Medicine, University of California-Santa Cruz, San Jose State University, Lexington Institute in Boston, and Ecole Polytechnique in Paris, France. Some of his recent books include Blue Truth, The Enlightened Sex Manual, The Way of the Superior Man, and Instant Enlightenment.�
Most helpful customer reviews
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
I bought it for a friend
By ScottSgr
I bought it for a friend after reading The Way Of The Superior Man, this book's companion. She doesn't believe in God and couldn't get past the mention of a higher power, so I guess atheists don't get to benefit from Mr Deida's wisdom. For everyone else, I think he has the best understanding of the male/female dynamic out there.
My friend's other complaint was that the information was too new and too different from what Dr. Phil and everyone else teaches. She said that if the contents of this book were legit then everyone would already know this. That complaint should be an encouragement for every person out there who thinks Dr. Phil is an idiot and is afraid to buy a relationship book for fear that it will contain the same old warmed-over nonsense.
If nothing else, this book contains NEW information, stuff you haven't heard before, stuff I look forward to trying out on the next open-minded woman I meet.
I won't go into a relationship again with a woman who can't grasp this. I think Dr. Phil works for the divorce lawyer's lobby and David Deida is on our side, and since this book is tragically out of print, you can get it cheap and take a chance on finding that one in a million relationship.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
Beautifully written but in my opinion highly unrealistic
By GooBooksToronto
Beautifully written but in my opinion highly unrealistic.
I love David's work and so I was surprised by the lack of instruction accompanying this work. This book seems to be written as a taste of what women could, or even should expect from a 'real man' without bridging the actual gap that exists between the ideal and the real. Knowing the amazing instructional and philosophical work this author is able to produce, I would only recommend this to 'seasoned Deida readers' or in combination with other work (i.e. maybe you don't want to read 'Dear Lover' first. Purchase it together with another of Deida's books and read it after learning his take on relationship)
175 of 183 people found the following review helpful.
A Few Gems, a Little Kookiness, a Lot of Redundancy
By Aspen Leaf
A central question in David Deida's work is: What is sexual love between a man and a woman for? The answer he gives here and elsewhere is that the purpose of sex is to open our bodies and hearts to God, and in fact that sex more than anything else in life is what takes us open to God. "Through entering your heart and body with mine in love's deepest bliss, I open together with you to God."
Deida's distinctive writing style is intuitive and filled with redundancy, so you'll read that message often in this book (which is written as a series of letters from Deida to the reader as his female lover). To me it's attention-getting the first few times he says it but soon becomes mind-numbing. By the end of the book it's enough already!
Still, this book contains some interesting corollaries for women to contemplate. Among them:
* "The secret to unfolding your heart's deepest bliss is to give and receive love fully, with or without a man. . . . You can learn to open your body as if it were a big heart, vulnerable and full of love's radiant life-force. And it is this disposition of openhearted radiance that will gift the world as well as attract and keep a man capable of actually meeting your heart's deepest desire."
* "Whether you are alone or in relationship, your spiritual and sexual bliss require a daily allotment of whole-body pleasure and deep-heart offering, or else your joy will shrivel like an unwatered plant."
* "Deep heart yearning is not a problem to be solved but a divine pull to open as devotional surrender, as wide as all, now. . . . This capacity to offer your open love is indestructible. No amount of rejection or betrayal can destroy this offering of love."
* "Even when you are tense or upset, you can practice surrendering your body and heart to be breathed open by this love that yearns in everybody's heart."
* "Your yearning attracts and inspires love. If you allow your deepest yearning to show through your entire body, you will attract and inspire a deep man."
* You will attract your reciprocal. "Unsurrendered women attract unpresent men."
* "Your secret sexual desire is to be ravished, lovingly forced open in unbearable pleasure, and taken fully open to God by a man of deep spiritual wisdom, strength, humor, sensitivity, and integrity."
* "Few men are capable of entering a woman's heart and opening her body to God's bliss, but few women are capable of offering their heart and body to be claimed open in this way."
* "Men are terrified of a woman's depth of love and the energy that moves as a woman's sexuality and emotions. And, at the same time, men want nothing more in this life than to merge completely with a woman's devotional love and wild energy. Only as a man outgrows his fear can he handle a woman's tremendous love-energy without running. And only such a man is worthy of your devotional offering in a committed intimacy."
* " . . . you settle for a mediocre relationship because you are afraid to be alone. You fill your heart's yearning with an adequate, but not entirely trustable, man. As you grow beyond being dependent on a man, you may choose to settle for an independent life because you are afraid to rely on a man's support."
* "Eventually, you realize that self-sufficiency is a transition phase. . . . Instead of denying your own needs or limiting your love to self-reliant independence, you realize that, more than anything else, you actually yearn to live open as a devotional offering of love."
* "Your concern for career and self-sufficiency is obviously healthy, but your deepest fulfillment may await risking your heart wide open, offering your bright love to all beings, and giving yourself to be claimed - by a man of integrity, by a family of beloveds, by a world that needs your love. Love is the only way to live that won't leave your feminine heart feeling unseen, ungiven, empty, and wanting--no matter how successful your professional life may be."
* "You want him to notice - in fact, worship - your body's radiant beauty and your heart's light of divine love and he wants you to acknowledge and worship his heart's capacity to spiritually and sexually ravish you open to God."
* "If you want to inspire your man's depth of presence and commitment, offer him your feminine heart's deepest yearning, sexually, actively, and devotionally, receiving him into you completely and responding with full pleasure and trust."
* "Men are like trains. They are going somewhere. Choosing and staying with a man is like choosing to get on a train. You will end up going where your man goes, spiritually and sexually, or you will have to get off his train. You cannot change a man's direction to yours without losing trust in his capacity to navigate."
* "A young rigid woman, closed down and energetically dead, is far less sexy than an older woman who offers her heart-open pleasure in surges of abandoned moans and undulating sensuality, whose devotional eyes and mouth and vagina and legs move and open as unquenchable yearning, whose trust is total, who gives her man her deepest heart and every ounce of her own pleasure as a gift for him to feel, worship, and behold--such a woman is agelessly sexy. She is grounded in her heart and generous with love's offering."
* "Besides your heart's pleasure, your heart's pain is also a gift, if given through an open body and heart. . . . But there is a big difference between accumulating your emotions--eventually expressing them in a toxic dump of tense build-up--and being able to spontaneously express every nuance of emotion as the flow opens through you. Spontaneous emotional expression, from your deep heart through your open body and relaxed breath with no closure or tension, is a natural expression of love--even if love is expressed as sorrow, anger, or fear. . . . With practice, you can learn to offer your pleasure, pain, and emotions spontaneously and responsively as soon as they occur, letting go of them instantly, always with your heart open and connecting with your lover's heart."
* "Men constantly crave feminine energy, especially in safe forms that don't demand depth."
* "Men tend to leave relationships too soon, always looking for a better option. Women tend to stay in relationships too long, always hoping that their man will change and grow."
Now for the kookiness. The following little nuggets just seem way, way off base to me.
"Clitoral orgasms are the most superficial orgasms, requiring little if any emotional or spiritual trust--a vibrator can be used to achieve this pleasure. Nevertheless, clitoral orgasms can prepare you for surrendering more deeply." OK, so he's telling us that some kinds of orgasms are more evolved than others. Let's see, didn't we finally get permission some decades ago to jettison the myth of the vaginal orgasm?
The chapter entitled "Choosing Abuse and Refusing Love" is simply bizarre. There Deida asserts that if you choose to wait for a good man, taking care of yourself while your career progresses, your friends grow, and your life improves, you a choosing to be a victim of abuse. Huh? "The mistreatment is not from a man, but from yourself. You are actively closing, protecting your heart from love, shutting down so your body and heart don't ache so openly. You may be damaging yourself as much as any man could damage you. . . . You've grown used to some suffering, and you truly love your well appointed home, your friends, your cat, your garden. . . . you are choosing to play the victim to less love than you know, deep down, you deserve." Oh puhlease!!!
The chapter entitled "On Showing Your Heart's Light in Public" contains this interesting characterization of Deida's own gender: "When your heart is fully claimed by divine love, you have no personal neediness to be seen. Your body is open and flowing, alive with sexual energy, radiant with delight, and resplendent with the shine of love--you don't want to desecrate love's fullness in the oinking barrage of men's psychic grabbing and groping."
A final note. Deida's original contribution to relationship theory is his idea that in our time men and women are working out what it means to be in a stage 3 relationship, with stage 1 being the role-bound relationships of earlier generations, stage 2 being the egalitarian ideal that emerged with the modern women's movement, and stage 3 being based on the understanding that cultivating the male and female polarities in relationship is what keeps sex passionate and bonding. The idea is appealing, but what bothers me in Deida is a subtle flavoring of male dominance, since it's always about "your man's claim," "your man's taking you open to God." Contrast this with the female-pleasure-based paradigm put forth by Regina Thomashauer in *Mama Gena's Owner's and Operator's Guide to Men* and you'll see what I mean. Both Deida and Mama Gena agree that feminine energy is the most attractive force on earth, but I find Mama Gena's ideas more revolutionary.
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